Haterus Xavier V

The King is dead.  Long live the King. 

R.I.P.

Haterus Xavier IV 1933-2012

S.O.S.

Sonsabitches are holding me captive!  If you read this, please come help me.  I'm being kept in the basement at the Garden Crest Old Farts home.....909 Lucile Avenue in Hollywood. Someones coming--

HAPPY WEEKEND!

You're welcome!

H8 BITS : bite-sized bundles of vitriol

-Dick Clark is dead. Normally when a man of my generation goes to sleep forever, I would doff my bowler and pee on his grave.  But this man deserves no such respect.  He stole the love of my life away from me.  That's right!!  You see her sitting there?? To the left of good ol' DICK!!! The one with the ribbon in her hair.  The picture seems harmless enough, right?  Well, I'll tell ya as soon as they were off the air he whisked Petunia Phendlebaum away in his cherry red Caddy and she was never seen again.  Now I'm not saying he murdered her, but.....well yeah basically I'm saying Dick Clark murdered my girlfriend and ate her remains.  See ya in Hell, you bastard.

-Hey look....So Many WizNards got written up in Stereogum. This is either proof that the Nards of Wiz are the next up & coming sweetheart band for all the Zygote Hipster Douchies to drool over, or its a sign that Stereogum is to the music world what the USFL is to professional football. I leave you to decide.

-I'm sick of hearing about this Jeff FLaRngum character.  I'm not sure who this is.  I tried FlaRn gum once. it was by that same company that makes Clove and Black Jack. Pretty gross. Ok that was a dumb joke, even for me.  In any event, I hear the guy is playing live shows again, rehashing songs from the 90's in an attempt to cash in on his fame.  STOP SPENDING LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR YOU HIPPIE!!  I did hear a rumor that all the dizzy dames love that guy though, and that they become sexually aggressive at his shows.  Don't let this opportunity pass you by, gents! If you can't get laid at a Jeff Mangum show, just pretend you're crying. Dames love vulnerability. Trojan should hand out specially made Mangum condoms outside his gigs. They'll be just like Magnums except very very tiny.  And they al lhave pictures of Anne Frank on the wrapper. Too soon?

-Ouch

-Does "back to our roots" mean that these FLaRny Hippies are reverting back to their primal hooting and hollering?  Because that was not music to my ears.  Is it just me or does early Animal Collective music sound like they locked a meth'd out monkey and a starving possum inside a dumpster filled with broken furniture?  Ok maybe its just me.

-It's good to see that constant touring for the past few years has really turned Bethy into a more sophisticated songwriter. And for the record, her Mexican chick guitarist looked hotter with long hair.

-Who's excited?

HAPPY WEEKEND!!!

Goddamn FLaRNtriloquists!

SHOW DENOUNCEMENT!!!

Heya Pallys!  If any of you were wondering about the next venue I plan on inhabiting, wonder no further!  How could I resist the luxurious chance to relive the smelly days of the Echo Curio via its red-headed sister-venue, HomeRoom? I mean, really!  Our good friend Geisssss will be playing.....


....GEEEIIIIIISSSSSSSS!!!!



It's like a verbal tic I have now.  I gotta scream it at the top of my voice every time I type it.  Anyway, Geissss will be going solo on a bill that I'm not too familiar with.  He's worth your time and money, even if he is a big fat communist!  Here's a dead-accurate quick capsule review of the rest of the bill for the night.

BODY FLaRnS -- From the looks of these Zygote bastards, they still haven't sprouted pubic hair.  Some of you hippies go ga-ga over such details.  Me?  I prefer overgrowth.  I come from a different time.  Despite their collectively bare mons-pubis, these crazy kids could very well be your cup of FLaRn!!

NORSE FLARN -- These Danish Black Metal-heads have been touring the world round for the past thirty five years.  They're huge in Australia and New Guinea.  They like it when you bring raw meat to throw at them during their set.  Join me.

ILOILO -- Dear iloilo, you have created a band name that is completely unFlaRNifyible.  That is an offense punishable by death, Jackson!!!!!  Are you guys a bunch of greazy Spaniards?  I bet you are.   Either that or you're a bunch of Eytalians.  Either way, you lose!!

Come on out and buy me drinks, children.